Rainbowied

Rain bow ties.

Over the 🌈

Kewl sang it for my baby Elise when she couldn’t sleeps we put on a playlist with that song.

Now it sympathy symbolic of unity.

I dress ed ans dreamed of unity.

All over. Like that image of chided children holding half hands around the globe 🌎

I’m the laughing daddy daffy. (jewels version)

I want my daughter to lean to play it on the ukelele. (Israelis version)

My dream…

Only in my dreams will I keep my in-laws not outlaws.

It’s more than Raphael Craig I’m losing. He’s not a ninja turtle. He’s James Bond. 007

I’m 008 nobthats The Godfather Allan. I’m 004/5

Calla n is 003 bc he was 3 when they started this game. What was Elisenne? Elisey Piecey was 006 I think bc 007 is taken by daddy.

Ive lost my appetite can’t even finish my one piece of toast. The test Rest goes to the birds on the golf course. Holding shark take tank.

El arco iris

Endemically spanish

For rain now means ark. To be (eres)

That’s how I Heath HEARD it w my ears

To be an ark

Go forth and multiple 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

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It’s raining it ooPoorijg

Pouring gota Gods Love

β€οΈπŸ™πŸ½

Rain is God cleansing the souls

Letting loose his fury

Rain. Like a Waterfall today in Landfall.

Rain like a Waterfall say Cold Play.

Rain like a beast unleashing his Sound. Like the best of the Tevamany Tev R EV AN ANT. The Tevan. Rev. An. Any. t. rEVRAnt.

Leo.

My Hero.

Exceeeprt from my Thesis

My theses

20 Thinbs I have learned

1. I have a tremor so please excuse typos. I can’t backspace and Corey so autoco rrect interpret. I take Lithium which give Z me a tremor. I take Lithium bc I am “Bi” Pilots Pullow POES Poles attract. Bipolar at travat ATACKS attracts ahit SH*t in my life. Whatever I you try to throw away. It comes back to hit you like a friggin MACK truck. So watch ⌚️ Out! Don’t throw / Love your sheeeite onto others. Give that gift to God. Yes he WANTS that stuff. He’s DYING he Fied D I ED! Jesse Jebus whatever you cal hims HIm. Craig. I call him Craig. Not Greg my brother. Craig. My hubby. He does die inside for us. Remember THAT. Take you re being bad Breakunh Brea k up Breaking Bad Breakfast to GOD. Start a coffee memorising morning mourning to receive and reveil rRE VEAL your son’s sins and your sins to one another.

2. Start a book club with your friends. Share books thoughts stores. Stottea STORIES FU autocorrect share your insight what YOU have learned with other.

3. Talk to your kids more. Be honest. Don’t lie. The Easter Numny and Tooth fairy are REAL tho so keep believing in Santa. Or God as I see it.

4. Stay warm. I get cold with too much AC blasting in the Sanvtiary. Temple. Keep it warm. I had the best silent meditation ever in a freezing cold church. Catholic or was it protests Protesting PROBABLY PROTESTANG. Church of Wmgland E n g l a mad. Land. I thought. Rinzai Zen. Only chapter in London. Very smal group. Like 3!? I think πŸ’­ That was at the start of my pregnancy for Callan. It was near UCL campus. I had them the ugliest ironing urinalysis Tracy Bladder infection. I went to Hell and back to nirthe BIrTh that boy. The golden child. I weed wee-ed ever 1-2 hours all night long with him. He was tortured I πŸ‘ was tortured. I couldn’t stand the pain and misery of that sleep deprivation it made me mad. 😑 and depression Bery Bery BERY BVERY bad depression. I want to die but I can’t. C I BE Cautious I have this baby coming. Sep 15. And I missed his 4th big bday. πŸ‘³πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜±πŸ˜«πŸ˜€πŸ˜₯πŸ˜°πŸ˜¨πŸ˜­πŸ˜“πŸ˜ͺ😑

5. Fuck you Bipolar! Get angry at the ILLNESS KNOT the Person. Speak of Bipolar as Cancee. Pretend it’s cancer. That person didn’t S ask Hod GOD for schizophrenia or narcissistic or histrionics or Borderline Person laity. It was given to them as a GFY. Gift. Yes I said 🎁 not a curse. God wanted to wake up the rest of the πŸ‘‘πŸŒŽπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒ— to teach them something so you better go Learn from those cancer patients and those w Alzheimer’s or schizophrenia and listen. You WILL learn something.

6. Go to church. Worship God and all his creation. Isn’t it amazing we can send message Z around the whole entire world is seconds!? A flash of an eye. Bat your eye. One time. And message z are flying faster than the speed of light through the universe. That is awe inspiring just stop and stop βœ‹πŸ½ I say βœ‹πŸ½ I mean it. S L O W Down and think of all the things to be grateful for. Clean πŸ’¦ we don’t even THINK about this as a luxury yet how many bills BILL HATES GATES VILLAGES on N Africa have no clean water??!!

7. Hooks up or the crocodile is gonna get ya! CaPn Hook. Put you’re”hook” your finger over your moth. Mountain MOUTH πŸ‘„ and be Quiet. Just shut up 🀐 http://www.xipit.om http://www.ZipIT.com (Austen Powers). Just respect a an d resist the need to fight backwards all the Thyme.

8. Listen to the other side you may learn something!

9. Pay your dues. Your dues to God. Society. Taxes V Charity Giving. Pay πŸ’° BOTH. The top 0.2% of the population should be GIVING 90% of their wealth away. So people don’t have to die bc they don’t have clean water. Giant yachts make me sick the greed. Makes. W sick who do you think you are You ACTUALLY DESERVE THAT!? No. You don’t. I saw SAY no. N O No. now. I mean it. If I weee the WERE in the bracket like the Head of Facebook I’d donate 90% of my money to raise my kids right (not spoiling ben) then. Them. Don’t spoil them. And the rest to charity. So 80% to poop POOR people then 10% to kids and 10% to Me. Only 10% to me. Flip that inequality on its nose. We already have e all the wealth to make this happen.

10. Have Fun! Enjoy the beautimous worlds we live in. Explore. Enjoy. Don’t worry if you look 😜 or if your body isn’t perfect. Enjoy the body god gave you at stop trying to change it. Don’t obsess about your flabby tummy, candles CANKLES. God loves. 🌷❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️ canvkles. And Bavk fat. And acne. S/He loves

11. It. Don’t hate on others w fat, feel sorry for them. It’s in their genes. Maybe they’re depressed, they don’t Lille. Like themselves. Don’t GmHate hate don’t hate on A N Y O NE! God will hate on you do if you hate on others. It comes back to bite ya. Karma IZ a bewitch! Bee otch

12. Have friend la. Make lots of friends. The ones who support you and know your soul. You know it when you e found your tribe. Go to chuck church. Or sync sync synagogues or mosques or temps meet your tribe. Celebrate and Praise God who made you all so special and uniq snow flakes

13. Ride horses. I never did but always wanted to, maybe I still have time to make up for that. If horses aren’t your thing then ski or skydive. Do something scary. Test your limits! See how far you can go!

14. Break rules. Some times. Don’t be so rigid and literal in your interpretation of EVERYTHING not justbtheb Bible. But someone says you when you’re depressed “you’re so selfish” don’t take it so literally. Maybe you are being selfish and that’s okay. Your NEED to be selfish some times to take care of yourself. Your dear depressed is telling you to lay low for a little while. Just don’t get stuck there and keep in touch w friends who can support you and pull you to go out when maybe you don’t want to but surprise you Rawls. Yourself. You may have fun around other people when you think you won’t. Some times you can’t predict what’s happening. But if you’re uncomfortable then dig it get the hell outta dodge. Don’t STAY in an unhealthy toxic relationship if it’s hurting you emotionally. Bale ! Jump ship! Abandon it and reinvent yourself.

Some diner FUbauto car. Correct

Some do NOT Fi Lillie F O L L O W me. InSAId follow MO I min me. Little ole me. lol πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ’°πŸ‘ŽπŸ½β˜πŸ½βœŠπŸΏπŸ‘ŒπŸΌ

Inlive my body is a temple to God. Some tattoo. That’s πŸ‘ŒπŸΌβ˜πŸ½πŸ‘‹πŸ½

Some get fake boobs. If that’s your thing (not mine) be done w it. Plastic isnSoooooo F Donald Trump. The me WMP EMPEROR W NO CLOTHWA CLOTHES. LWTA LET US A SEE HIM NAKES LIKE MY BIOOLAR FRIWNS KAT WHO EAN NAKED IN RBW ATTEET ST. AND WNSED E N D E D UO U P IN THE NIGHTINGALE W ME. BKESS HEE BL Ed B L E A SS bless her soul. I ❀️β™₯️✊🏿 her. She’s part of the Sisterhood of traveling underpants. She got beautyFull fake boobs.

Not me.

I got pancakes. No one wants to see even!!!! G O D πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Yes I laugh at good jones. Yokes aka jokes. Want a good one?

SLN – I’m hosting – we get a plant in the auto ausi Aug A U D InEvN C D audience studio audience

We call him Muhammad. Some one shouts “show your TOMMY TITs!” Like it’s Mardi Grad!! Grass in New Orleans. W kikkinans Fobert Rob Pretty. Craig’s pawn parents friens a. Not MINE. They just got a storm. Hope it’s not too much damage. Kiki. Orbtheh they are on their taught. Yauctb BIG Boaty travelling then world 🌎

In digress- I shout at the guy who says it and call him up on stage. I say “what makes you AA Aa that?” Wanna guess my cup size? Never seen Rita aT I TS so small? Well I’ll tell you something Boobs aren’t measured by Bigness but smallness. The smaller your guys Tits are the weaker we are to got. The more exposes F D out our breasts are exposed to heaven. The more we take in spirit sully willy spiritual altitude attack spiritual laity. We take in from Him. The stronger ones get BIG blossoms and are tough cookies like Granny Champagne and run their house like a bulldog.

I don’t have that luxury. My boobs are REST IN Peace. AA cups. But my mom always said you don’t get boobs until AFTEr your finishing your PhD and have all those babies. M

Whatever that means

She could be completely confused atbthymes.

I want to start up at SNL. I want to host it.

I know I’m not a trained actor. But I’d like to try.

Comfy C O F U s Cupid. Consciousness

Me

Back to the script

Is I would tell Muhammad You can’t just ask women rob To flashbthwor THEIR tits. Boobs are for BbabieaS. Babies sucked the lifeblood outta my AA batteries.

No boobs equals no batteries.

Showing our toys is diagnosed did. DISrespectful. Sian Dis D D I D not your mum training teach you respect for woman!? Surely your Muslim? Nope?

Well that explains I! T!

β€οΈπŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰β™₯️

15. Don’t feel guilty all the time. Let it goiooooiii. Like the song. Sing. And letbitnout. Don’t FEEL Guilty. It’s NOT your fault! You’re humans let it go and forgive yourself. IVE already forgiven you!

16. Be real.By R E S t Real REAL I MEAN REST IK N PWI PIE. POECWS. P I E C W S PEACE. PACc. P A C. O , PaX. Peace in Latin.

PAC live like a heard of elephants my grkLfriensa. Ft I ends.

17. Be confident. ABE BE COMFIDENT. Condoned confidence comes with practice. As my BF Danielle says Fame FaKe thill Until you Make. Aim HIGH. Shoot for the moon if you fail you like land in th eStates stars. That’s better anyhow.

18 what is mine is yours.

All of it. I’m a communistt. A commu. Comedian. No joe. K. Jokingly I’m not a dictator I’m a communist. I’m editing in the middle of the night bc I put my engagement ring back on to sleep and has a bad dream. I’m still married. That’s part of it. And the other part I dreamed Ines I W A S Louisa May Dreyfus in VeEP. I dreamed I was 2nd in command. But I wanna be 1st! I’d be Queen of England before I became president. (Or would I? πŸ‘)

19 my tummy hurts. All A L L the time. Gut pain gut rot. Celiac. Who knows what cancers lie in my belly. And my brain. It’s hurting now but I just chugged some Photo Peori. P E P T O

I say Pepe PeproTo pepto bismal.

It helps. A little. Hot baths also help. Heating pads.

My back hurts too my Me? I’m not whining. Winning. Or Whining. No whiners WHIners EHING W H I N G EvR S in this club. No whinese. We don’t sea k or speak that language. Don’t get me started on the starving children in Africa and the clean water and rbw polar bears losing their homes bc of Humanity. I’m pisses. F P I S S E D OFF at Humanity.

I forgot where inwas I was there. Lost in all the bigotry racism, fears of homosexuality all those “isms. And the way we treat our Mother!!??? Sick. It’s the time to stop being so fuckin God forsaken SELFISH AND THINK ABKUT THE OLANET. WE CANT GET RO TONANOTHEE A NOTHER OLA PLANET OUT THERE! We have this One planet and weee fucking it up big time. BIG time! Global warming iabR REAL notba Knot NOT a hoax! Tacx the carbon pollution Buy eco friendly people products.

Okay, my eco warriaior tirade is ovee, that was for Leo. By the way. He’s taken the world the Words straight outta MH mouth. My. Mouth.

Muhammad – You’re sis yah sister would be sad for you. Sit down and SHUT UP!!

One last question – woulsnyoun

Would You have shouted that to a Pregnant woman????

No.

I doubt that.

Stop thinking about boobs and consider the badonkadonk. The tea REAT tea. Behind. It where it’s all at. Busy Best pick up line I’ve ever got, thanks Michael Salling- Are yountired ? Tired? Bc you’ve been running through my mind ALL day long!

I want to be on A SNL. It’s a. Dream. I’ve always had. As a host.

But whoI am isn’t an act. I’m a REAL human bean. I cut close to the bone.

20 be Bzzy busyness – Bee creative.

Write your ideas down. Keep writing. Sing a song. Testify by …. is my favourite jam. Christian artists. Or Coldplay or Bono. Any of them. Or Lauren Daigle. Trust in You. I πŸ’‹πŸ’„β™₯️❀️ Lauren Daigle. I’m not a Christyit “Christian” bc people have bad common connotations w that. No inwoeahip I worship Jesus. Jebus. That’s whatever you want to call him. Cart man. I love you still Craig. You always made me laugh. Until you stopped believing in Mi. Little ole mi. I bevase BE Came. The Holy mother to your children. Then you worshippers them not me. You don’t worship the gift. You worship the gift-giver. That’s your mum. That’s ME. Not you dad. He for got one night of fun and we beat the burden for infinity lifetimes. Pain? Oh I know pain! I had two babies au natural. No woisural or no episural that WORKED. No pain meds. I des FED off your anxiety that whole birthing process. I was so scared 😳 bc YOU weee scared. Weenie. Pushing pussy. Have you nonfaith? NO F A I T H?

No faith.

Next time (IF there is one more for you), I want only females around me. I want midwives. And my Foodles. Doodles around me in a PoOl. A water birth. It’s natural. The baby won’t have problems. I swear T RVST

Trust. God.

And Praise him. Paint. Draw. Renascence it’s a renascence that’s not the word but I can’t spell it.

“Can you hear it? That’s the sound of me walking out of this prison cell. Say hello to beautiful” -Mervyme

❀️ me some mercyme.

That’s my jam on toast.

Let’s rhe waters rise let the mountains fall you are God over the storm and I am Youra’–Lauren Daigle. Praise you

Pop oo oo Bringf your tires ahame guilt pain it’s not your name. You will always be much more than me. I wrestle w blues. Voices in my head. A lot. Mostly my mamma and poops. Pa pa

Bring your doubts and fears. No condemnation here. —Greater Mercy me

Greater is the on e living inside of me than He who is livin inside this worlds. The cross already won this work MLS m 🌎🌎🌎🌎

Makes me love Him (and Her)

Thank you Mercyme

I β™₯️ V

Sigh ing offf

Love and PAC

Pax

Latin for peace ✌🏽

My theses

20 Thinbs I have learned

1. I have a tremor so please excuse typos. I can’t backspace and Corey so autoco rrect interpret. I take Lithium which give Z me a tremor. I take Lithium bc I am “Bi” Pilots Pullow POES Poles attract. Bipolar at travat ATACKS attracts ahit SH*t in my life. Whatever I you try to throw away. It comes back to hit you like a friggin MACK truck. So watch ⌚️ Out! Don’t throw / Love your sheeeite onto others. Give that gift to God. Yes he WANTS that stuff. He’s DYING he Fied D I ED! Jesse Jebus whatever you cal hims HIm. Craig. I call him Craig. Not Greg my brother. Craig. My hubby. He does die inside for us. Remember THAT. Take you re being bad Breakunh Brea k up Breaking Bad Breakfast to GOD. Start a coffee memorising morning mourning to receive and reveil rRE VEAL your son’s sins and your sins to one another.

2. Start a book club with your friends. Share books thoughts stores. Stottea STORIES FU autocorrect share your insight what YOU have learned with other.

3. Talk to your kids more. Be honest. Don’t lie. The Easter Numny and Tooth fairy are REAL tho so keep believing in Santa. Or God as I see it.

4. Stay warm. I get cold with too much AC blasting in the Sanvtiary. Temple. Keep it warm. I had the best silent meditation ever in a freezing cold church. Catholic or was it protests Protesting PROBABLY PROTESTANG. Church of Wmgland E n g l a mad. Land. I thought. Rinzai Zen. Only chapter in London. Very smal group. Like 3!? I think πŸ’­ That was at the start of my pregnancy for Callan. It was near UCL campus. I had them the ugliest ironing urinalysis Tracy Bladder infection. I went to Hell and back to nirthe BIrTh that boy. The golden child. I weed wee-ed ever 1-2 hours all night long with him. He was tortured I πŸ‘ was tortured. I couldn’t stand the pain and misery of that sleep deprivation it made me mad. 😑 and depression Bery Bery BERY BVERY bad depression. I want to die but I can’t. C I BE Cautious I have this baby coming. Sep 15. And I missed his 4th big bday. πŸ‘³πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜±πŸ˜«πŸ˜€πŸ˜₯πŸ˜°πŸ˜¨πŸ˜­πŸ˜“πŸ˜ͺ😑

5. Fuck you Bipolar! Get angry at the ILLNESS KNOT the Person. Speak of Bipolar as Cancee. Pretend it’s cancer. That person didn’t S ask Hod GOD for schizophrenia or narcissistic or histrionics or Borderline Person laity. It was given to them as a GFY. Gift. Yes I said 🎁 not a curse. God wanted to wake up the rest of the πŸ‘‘πŸŒŽπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒ— to teach them something so you better go Learn from those cancer patients and those w Alzheimer’s or schizophrenia and listen. You WILL learn something.

6. Go to church. Worship God and all his creation. Isn’t it amazing we can send message Z around the whole entire world is seconds!? A flash of an eye. Bat your eye. One time. And message z are flying faster than the speed of light through the universe. That is awe inspiring just stop and stop βœ‹πŸ½ I say βœ‹πŸ½ I mean it. S L O W Down and think of all the things to be grateful for. Clean πŸ’¦ we don’t even THINK about this as a luxury yet how many bills BILL HATES GATES VILLAGES on N Africa have no clean water??!!

7. Hooks up or the crocodile is gonna get ya! CaPn Hook. Put you’re”hook” your finger over your moth. Mountain MOUTH πŸ‘„ and be Quiet. Just shut up 🀐 http://www.xipit.om http://www.ZipIT.com (Austen Powers). Just respect a an d resist the need to fight backwards all the Thyme.

8. Listen to the other side you may learn something!

9. Pay your dues. Your dues to God. Society. Taxes V Charity Giving. Pay πŸ’° BOTH. The top 0.2% of the population should be GIVING 90% of their wealth away. So people don’t have to die bc they don’t have clean water. Giant yachts make me sick the greed. Makes. W sick who do you think you are You ACTUALLY DESERVE THAT!? No. You don’t. I saw SAY no. N O No. now. I mean it. If I weee the WERE in the bracket like the Head of Facebook I’d donate 90% of my money to raise my kids right (not spoiling ben) then. Them. Don’t spoil them. And the rest to charity. So 80% to poop POOR people then 10% to kids and 10% to Me. Only 10% to me. Flip that inequality on its nose. We already have e all the wealth to make this happen.

10. Have Fun! Enjoy the beautimous worlds we live in. Explore. Enjoy. Don’t worry if you look 😜 or if your body isn’t perfect. Enjoy the body god gave you at stop trying to change it. Don’t obsess about your flabby tummy, candles CANKLES. God loves. 🌷❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️ canvkles. And Bavk fat. And acne. S/He loves

11. It. Don’t hate on others w fat, feel sorry for them. It’s in their genes. Maybe they’re depressed, they don’t Lille. Like themselves. Don’t GmHate hate don’t hate on A N Y O NE! God will hate on you do if you hate on others. It comes back to bite ya. Karma IZ a bewitch! Bee otch

12. Have friend la. Make lots of friends. The ones who support you and know your soul. You know it when you e found your tribe. Go to chuck church. Or sync sync synagogues or mosques or temps meet your tribe. Celebrate and Praise God who made you all so special and uniq snow flakes

13. Ride horses. I never did but always wanted to, maybe I still have time to make up for that. If horses aren’t your thing then ski or skydive. Do something scary. Test your limits! See how far you can go!

14. Break rules. Some times. Don’t be so rigid and literal in your interpretation of EVERYTHING not justbtheb Bible. But someone says you when you’re depressed “you’re so selfish” don’t take it so literally. Maybe you are being selfish and that’s okay. Your NEED to be selfish some times to take care of yourself. Your dear depressed is telling you to lay low for a little while. Just don’t get stuck there and keep in touch w friends who can support you and pull you to go out when maybe you don’t want to but surprise you Rawls. Yourself. You may have fun around other people when you think you won’t. Some times you can’t predict what’s happening. But if you’re uncomfortable then dig it get the hell outta dodge. Don’t STAY in an unhealthy toxic relationship if it’s hurting you emotionally. Bale ! Jump ship! Abandon it and reinvent yourself.

Call ME Birginia (Virgin for short)

DISCLAIMER: Please do NOT read my blog if you can’t stand spelling mistakes” “curse words,” “mis-punctuation” or confusion. It will confuse you. But the spelling mistakes are (usually), intentional to pause and ask what ELSE she could saying or referring to. Think of it as a Zen Koan. Or e.e. Cummings poem. It’s certainly not neat and pretty straightforward prose. That’s not my genre (any more). Meet Virginia..🀑

Kall me Virginia

“Free gift photo”

I no longer AM Called m Megan. That was my middle name. My middle YEARS. I’m moving on. Leaving Megan behind. She had attachment issues and phobias and all kinds of neuroses I can’t even get into right now. (That’s another book titled TBD). That was the Old Testament. I’m in the New Testament now. You know, the part about Jesus forgiving ALL our sins yes ALL of them, even that one you’re thinking about which MUST be unforgivable. He wiped the slate clean people! Wake up!!!!

I know I know it’s not eaZy, ch, letting all those attachments go away. We all want security and to feel loved. But what you don’t realise it is RIGHT FREAKIN THERE IN FROMT OF YOU!! Open your eyes. God loves you more than anything in this world. He is just waiting outside the door. You just have to open that friggin door!

Okay sorry for the preacher woman rant, I had to get it out.

But here is the truth. God is just waiting for you to come to him with ALL you anxieties, if you can’t place all of them on his step it comes back at you tenfold. Trust me on this. Or trust Kirkengard:

“Cast all your care upon God.” You are to cast all care away; if you do not cast all care away, you retain it and do not become absolutely joyful. And if you do not cast it absolutely upon God, but in some other direction, you are not absolutely rid of it. In one way or another, it returns again, most likely in the form of a still greater and more bitter sorrow. For to cast care away, but not upon God – that is distraction. But distraction is a most doubtful and ambiguous remedy.Β “

It’s in the Bible too people go look it up. If you can’t face up to that thing you did you know you shouldn’t have, if you can’t tell God about that, it’ll come back 10 times worse. I swear. I’ve been there done that.

That’s why we say prayers before we go to bed at night, so you can leave that shit with God. He takes it over, honestly, I swear to God and the lives of my children just try it!

Tell God that secret. Open up. Admit where you failed (EVERY one of us falls short), God know s and loves us all the same. It’s called grace and it’s the best FREE gift in the worlds.

So say your prayers. And call me Virginia. Please. ?

You don’t want what I’ve got

Sure, from the outside you think I have it all. Two kids, one boy one girl, a handsome husband who makes too much money, blah blah blah.

You don’t want what I’ve got.

I’ve got pain. I’ve got baggage, a shit-ton of it.

You don’t want what I’ve got.

I’ve got scars, I’ve got stars in my eyes from all the suffering because you don’t want what I’ve got.

I’ve got money, so what?

I’ve got deep hurting like you’ve never seen before and you don’t want to see. For if you see, you can’t UNsee, for if you hear, you can’t UNhear. (Bibl)e verse needed here

I’ve got dreams, dreams to remember. Or forget.

I dreamt I was going to wake up and marry Leonardo di Caprio!

Ha!!! No, wait, I actually believed that one for a moment, that’s called a delusion and it’s what I did when I was at the Priory, my beloved Priory Hospital where I found my voice. (Sort of-more posts on Ariel’s voice to come).

Like Ariel going into the hospital, I came to BE in the Hospital, I sang, I danced, I talked to any and everyone. In my β€˜delusional’ brain, I was printing money with the notes I wrote and the art I made. That art was sh*t though. So says my former partner. Whent to Being Ariel again. Silent. Until… I lost my marbles again, chucked all our lawn toys into the neighbor’s garden and got put in the Nightingale Hospital. THEN, THEN I found my voice. No, wait, that was after I got out of the hospital and my husband informed me he couldn’t take it any more he wanted a divorce. And full custody of our kids. THAT is when I found my voice because I turn Grizzly Bear Mama on you and find the best lawyer in town to take off your stupid ideas that I can’t raise my own kids.

See? I TOLD you you don’t want what I have!! I’ve been institutionalised, and now I’m going through a divorce and custody battle. Sound like fun to you?! Then EAT SHIT and Die.

I mean it. Die to yourself, go listen to Rob Bell’s podcasts and learn about dying to yourself, or that Ancient Wisdom one on the ORthodox marriages where the partners are marrying and dying to themselves and becoming one together. That kinda dying. Don’t be zo friggin literal all the thyme either, use some creativity for God’s sake, being literal is B-O-R-I-N-G – use some metaphor, tell stories, find yourself in someone else’s story. Start with Jesus’ story for we all know that’s the best-selling book of all time! There MUST be a reason for that, right??? Because it was TRUE people, wake up!

I’m done for now. I know this wasn’t a great first blog post, I may sound angry but that’s because I am and I have a right to be. Anger is a normal emotion we shouldn’t be ashamed of (like I was when I played the part of Ariel for 20 years of my life). Fine to be angry but it iZs what you DO with it that matters. Anger cat the ‘system’ ‘the way things are’ (aka ‘life’) can fuel the most innovative, inspiring, creative, dedicated work of all, so long as you don’t hurt anyone else in the process, make that anger work for you.

Watch this space. I’ve got more coming, it will get better, I promise. And I KEEP my secrets (NOT!) and promises (True).

Love and Pacem Β (Pacem = Peace in Latin)